The authenticity and candidness of this book sets it apart from the rest.
Feature image credit: Pan Macmillan Australia
Maddy Anholt, 2021’s Love Respect Ambassador for the national domestic abuse charity Women’s Aid, has released her first book, How to Leave Your Psychopath.
Although you may know her better as a comedian and actor, her role as a spokesperson and advocate for empowering women for over a decade, to “gift them the strength to trust their voices, see their worth, know what is and what is not acceptable, and enjoy safe, happy and compassionate love,” is just as prominent.
Made up of 21 chapters, each of which starts with one of the author’s personal experiences, the book covers multiple topics. These include narcissism, psychopathic behaviours, empaths, controls, co-dependency, enmeshment, shaming, coercion, financial control, sexual coercion, argument styles, learned helplessness, toxic shame, self-blame, the cycle of abuse, PTSD, disassociation, and hoovering. The second last chapter is the story of Anholt’s juncture, and the epilogue her present circumstances. The chapters are followed by a list of resources and supports.
The best part of this book is the inclusion of Anholt’s unabashed personal stories. It is all very well to define what violence, narcissism, shaming and the like is, but how does this translate into real life? Anholt bares all. She not only recounts the covert or direct insults said to her by her exes, but she also talks about the sex, the name calling used in fights, the physical feelings, the attempted getaways, and her desperation for love, not to mention the perception of her as the crazy one in society.
The author notes how she contacted a friend after two years for a place to sleep and then returned home to her abuser the next morning, without even an explanation or apology to her mate. In other words, she was brave enough to state the way she treated other people poorly because she was a shell, and incapable of anything but survival. This is the type of stuff you might see in a film, but it is usually hard to translate its feeling into text – Anholt not only does this well, but in simple, straightforward language.
At the start of the book, there are attempts at humour using hyperbolic analogies. These were trite rather than funny, and reading them was tiresome. These parts would have been preferable to read in typical non-fiction format as the humour did little to engage the reader. Eventually, this dissipates and the speckled humour improves as the book wears on.
Another limitation on engaging all readers was that it is a little bit self-focused as the author speaks constantly of talk therapy but doesn’t suggest to the reader any other approaches for their mental health. Although it is clearly her story, in most advice books the readers are given multiple options, so it may alienate people who have managed their situation in a different way or cannot access therapy.
If you are perusing this book as a concerned friend or family member of someone, or as the recipient of abuse, and you are hesitant about whether it really is a dangerous situation, bear in mind: if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
1800RESPECT is the national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support service. Call 1800 737 732 if you or someone you know is need of help. In the case of emergencies, ring 000.
Reviewed by Rebecca Wu
This review is the opinion of the reviewer and not necessarily of Glam Adelaide.
Distributed by: Pan Macmillan Australia
Released: February 2022
RRP: $16.99
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